Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Transforming Chaos into Simplicity, is it Possible?


For the last few months, I have been continuously riding tumultuous and unexpected waves of emotions filled with discontent, frustration, guilt, resentment, and hopelessness.

Although at one point, I actually thought that maybe I need to get some help, maybe I am really depressed, maybe I am actually losing it...maybe...

But then the pieces started falling into place, and I was bombarded with the realization that I am not depressed, (thankfully) but rather just stuck. I have been trapped in my own bottomless pit of self generated chaos.

I kid you not, it has been really scary, and in all honesty, really unpleasant.


For months now I have been feeling overwhelmed with:


  1. The Enormity of our House. The fact that our new home here in Birmingham is nearly THREE times the size of our first home, and that it has FIVE bathrooms should make it clear enough. Don't get me wrong, I am incredible grateful, but I am also often filled with a sense of hypocrisy in residing in such a gigantic home while simultaneously trying to live a "greener" lifestyle.


  2. The clutter. Two small children who desire to be into as many different projects (simutaneously, of course) as their mother also (usually unsuccessfully) attempts.


  3. The stress of continual cleaning. Two small children, two large dogs, an overworked husband, and just for kicks, I'll mention the five bathrooms again...need I say more?


  4. Not Making the Most of my Time. Confession: I've got Attention Deficit Disorder. There, you all know, now you can say to yourself, " wow, Kate, that really explains a LOT!" I know, I know, everyone seems to have ADD these days, but I really have it, bad. I was diagnosed with it eighteen years ago, before it became cool or a great excuse.


  5. Figuring out my Life Purpose. Thirty-six years old, Masters Degree in hand, wife, mother of two...crap...NOW what?


  6. Taking on too much Responsibility. It's classic ADD, really. I want to do it all, I swear, I'll try to do it all, I'll even promise you that I'll be able to do it all. But in the end I'll just disappoint you and myself, because the reality is that I actually have no idea how to do it all; I just know that I want to.


  7. The Guilt of not being the Best Mom I know I am capable of being. This is a hard one. I think every mom wishes she could be more, do more and give more to her children. Why can't I? Why is it that while I tried to clean the kitchen this morning, I overheard Juliana talking to a "pretend mom," and worse, the pretend mom gave her encouragement, "you can do it, I know you can!" Juliana voiced for her invisible helper. Why wasn't I in there giving her real encouragement? Why does she need a pretend mom?!!!! How can I be there for her, but also get the kitchen cleaned?

So, now that I have bared my soul to you, I am going to try and attempt some change here. That is a big word for me, you know, the ADD thing and all. Even though I want to, I don't change very well. I just get stuck. And then I'm miserable and overwhelmed, and still watching the clutter evolve around me, while I make dinner for the new parents down the street (whom I barely even know), and end my days going to bed filled with guilt over not teaching the kids something new that day, or folding the 5 loads of clean, and now wrinkled loads of laundry resting on the couch. If I don't change, I'll continue to feel immersed in that same old resentment, frustration, and, well, you know, you get the point.

My goal:

To begin writing about the individual challenges of me- a mom on a mission to create a simpler life for herself, despite certain fixed, and unchangeable factors.


What I need from you!:

  • For you to keep checking back here to see that I am (hopefully) making improvements! I need some accountability!!!


  • words of wisdom (really don't be shy, I'll take any advice I can get!)


  • encouragement


  • resources (ie: web sites, articles, journals, books, etc...that have inspired, motivated, and or moved you to make changes toward living a simpler, less chaotic life.


  • prayers...lots of them!!!!!

Thanks! Kate

7 comments:

Renee said...

Kate, I've been feeling a lot of the same things lately. I know where I want my life to go, but getting there is only partially in my own hands, which means I don't do what *I* need to do because then what if the rest doesn't fall into place?

I hope you can pull it all together. That will give ME hope!

Aaryn said...

I loved this! I think every mom feels this way at some point (usually weekly). It's especially hard as I try to live green - how do I find the time to make my own tomato sauce, granola bars, etc. while still finding the time to play with Ellia and possibly even shower! I know that I am doing it for her, but sometimes I'd rather spend the time with her. I'm working hard towards finding ways to do it together and to create a balance. We'll get there!

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Unknown said...

Transforming Chaos into Simplicity, is it Possible? It must be. I couldn't tell you to be 100% fully honest with.

Sorry, we barely know each other (actually we don't know each other at all) I just found out a real story, a real mom, honesty in a quite unbalanced world, and I loved your writing style.

"My two cents" from here on, dunno how much it'll help you, but it's still there for you to consider and measure at least intellectually, theorically, philosophically. It might just be a starting point to redefine current reality.

You mention a new house, and being unable to do all the things you agree on to help/do + ADD diagnosed before it was cool (lol, btw)

The very first thing that comes to mind is organization (though being ADD doesn't sound like it's your case) I bring it up from another POV, your "herd" (family) how much do they help you get things done/organized? EG, is housework divided semiequally? Are your children old enough to help do the folding? I was the kind of kid that helped her working mom (father wasn't around) from very early on on life (actually sweaping, mopping, cooking lunch/dinner, and/or washing clothes/dishes) THAT helped me get a sense of responsability early on life+making things easier for mom.

I'm not saying your children should carry a bag at such an early age (I'm quite against it!) But maybe if asked they'd be willing to participate to things around the house more organized :) (though clutter and children = <3 hehehehe, except for the one putting it back in place)

Describe your typical day? (Not for me, and not online) but on a piece of paper. Do you clean everything everyday, or do you it by stages? Are there laundry days or everyday is a laundry day?

Life's purpose= Heh, at least I can't even consider helping you there since that's at least where I'd like to get. My purpose now it's about learning to love, learn, and overcome fears. I do believe key questions could help start looking what do you want from life NOW? I can't think you had the same goals half your age ago than now. Well get planning! Masters degree on motherhood! Masters degree on "wifehood".

OR, if following the academic+familiar scales of purpose of life you could want grandchildren already?! haha, it'll happen sooner than you think, so don't get to afraid by the thought of it.

In all seriousness, for what you describe, and I apologize for considering you're not considering it already, the purpose of life would be to raise your children the best (their life's plan) and to make it easier for them by working extra hard and leave then with enough opportunities to develop their personalites in art, sports, culture, intellectually, emotionally, communicationally, among many others!

Guilt not the best mom = under what scale? It's relative. And there's really no comparing point. It actually sounds like you're doing it right already.

Taking on too much Responsibility = well, have you learned to say no? Maybe taking a step back from certain responsabilities and dedicating on those aspects of motherhood you're partly overlooking will actually allow you have more time to do those things.

You're a mom, and a wife, which in my book I describe as wonderwoman (really, you are) and YET you take responsabilities and want to help people without anything in return. That's the love I want to learn do do, but on the negative side, where does that leave YOU, your interests, and your children-spouse?

woot! I got carried on writing. Nice blog! Have a wonderful evening,

anewuser (the username I go by)

PD1: found your blog by chance (doing a course on "emotional intelligence" and needing to do homework about 100 emotions. Your entry named The Good, The Bad and The Broken Collarbone! had a nice "scale" of emotions and their intensity, which is how our professor helped us understand emotions had different intensities.)

Kayla said...

Beautifully written Kate and a tribute to the energy surrounding every modern mother, trying to juggle the demands of work and home. Part of the issue, I do believe, is the standard we hold ourselves to has been created not by us. Every mother I know struggles in this way but I flip through my magazines and the articles are telling me how to lose weight, make better cupcakes, and keep my husband from wandering:) Please! Blogging about the real struggle is part of the revolution and a way that we can take back our narrative.

Good on you!