Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Besides getting a fair amount of "resting my poor aching back" time yesterday, highlights from the weekend so far have included:
1. Making these little ghostly fellows for the kids...
2. Discovering that our new house in Alabama is literally across the street from Alabama's largest park Oak Mountain State Park...seriously, how could we have missed this? We're so excited! Camping trip anyone?
Not a bad weekend so far. We are off to a much anticipated afternoon at the SC State Fair later today, hope you're enjoying your weekend as well!
Friday, October 23, 2009
It wasn't easy, I had to be forced in there actually. I suffer from this ridiculous and frustrating disorder of not being able to relax very easily. In fact, when I first went into my bedroom, I couldn't help but grab a pile of paperwork to sort through while I lie in bed. Pete came in shortly after, saw the pile on our bed and laughed at me. "Put it away," he practically demanded. "Lay down and close your eyes and try to go to sleep."
"But I can't I insisted! All I'll do is lie here and think about all of the things I could be doing with this precious time!"
"Then just lay there and do that," he said. "But close your eyes while you do, listen to the wind blowing outside, and just try and relax."
So I tried. I did. And for a little while I actually could keep the thoughts at bay. I stared out the window and watched the multi-colored leaves of Fall dancing on their branches. I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood kids yelling to one another while they played nearby. I heard countless acorns rickashaying from the branches, to the roof, to the gutters and then the ground. With the windows wide open, I tried to focus on how good it felt to smell the fresh air in my own bedroom, and feel the breeze sail around my surroundings. All of my senses were alive and it felt good, it really did. I actually began to feel myself relax. But the more I looked out those windows, the more I thought about how much I would miss that view, and soon enough my mind shifted toward the upcoming move- away from here. And all I wanted to do was cry, so I did.
And then all I wanted to do was write. At first I decided against coming here to do it because, well as you all know, I have said so many times over the past few months how tired of complaining, venting, feeling sorry for myself, etc...but this is my journal of sorts- this where I have to go when I need to do that. So here I am, I need to be honest, and no more apologizing for it.
Most of the time I am doing better, feeling better. I am trying my best to enjoy life for what it is, what I am given, what I make of it. But when I think of our short 19 days left here in our home, in this neighborhood, in this town, with these friends, I feel really sad again. Yesterday when I looked out of my windows toward the yard and driveway where my children play and at the walkway that welcomes friends to our door, all I could imagine is how hard it is going to be to drive away from all of it. Along with those thoughts once again, came frustration and anger at the situation of our having to move somewhere we don't necessarily want to to, but feel somewhat forced to because of too many factors to list here. This is where we chose to be. This is where we want our home.
I know this is all somewhat hypocritical to my last post, but I am human, and my feelings and opinions are subject to change. I'll get there again, to that positive, everything will be fine soon enough place.
So today as I reflect on my time yesterday afternoon and try to plan our day, I know I need to try really hard to allow for and make time for relaxation and rest. I am beginning to realize that unless I do this for myself I am no good to the others around me, and I am equally as inadequate in achieving any goals or happiness for myself. As I wrote before, life is too short to be unhappy or unappreciative, right? So even at 35 years old, I am still trying to figure out how to best find and achieve that happiness, that appreciation. Yesterday I discovered that a good place for me to start is allowing myself time to rest, time to reflect, and strangely, time to mourn. Despite my sadness, an intense appreciation for what I have experienced here in SC seeped into my thoughts and (gratefully) invaded my self pity filled moments.
Today, in addition to rest, I will also focus on re-aiming my thoughts toward appreciaition. Who knows what I'll find....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I'm also learning to take advantage of having the ability to take chances in life. Where would we be without them? If you're up to it, listen to this new song, Chances, by Five For Fighting. The more I listen to it, the more I realize how important it is to take those chances. Taking them often means the difference between living or just surrendering.
I want to take chances. Today, I chose living.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
-We found a new preschool in Birmingham and have enrolled the kids to begin the week after we move there (big relief).
-Cooler temps around these parts is fulfilling my desire for fall weather (I miss the North so much this time of year!)
- I can't seem to get caught up with daily tasks to save my life! As a result and in order to save me time:
-The kids are brushing their own teeth (let's hope this is working well)
-I am doing laundry and writing grocery lists at 11:30 pm (that's right, me, the one who likes to go to bed at 9 pm)
-Our house is remaining undesirably messy
-We are eating quick and easy meals, sorry Pete
-My thesis has once again become poorly neglected- but I am working on this one!
-The novel I'm reading hasn't been touched in two weeks
Okay, that's enough for now. I really just wanted to say hello. I need to unload some groceries from the car! I'll be back again soon!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
So, most of the time I have stayed away, because really, who wants to read about about how someone elses' life seems so unfair (when it really could always be a lot worse) and all that crappy negativity over and over again?!
It bothers me so much that lately, when someone asks me how I am, my first response is usually to start venting about the latest "issues" with our selling the house, relocating, family, thesis, kid's school concerns, etc... etc...Recently, I was telling a friend about a time a few weeks ago when I was by myself and on the way to the grocery store. I had just had all kinds of crazy things happen that day and I picked up the phone to call someone to talk about it (vent). But when I went to dial a number, I thought, hum, I just vented to that person this morning, that person last night, that person yesterday, or, that person has way bigger problems than mine and doesn't need to hear me complain about all these stupid things! I put my phone down and kept my negative thoughts to myself for the rest of the day.
My mom has always used an analogy about each person having a river with a dam in their life. As life goes on and events unfold, sometimes things get overwhelmed or stressful and people's dams tend to overflow. It feels like for most of this past year, my dam has been twelve feet under water, and a giant waterfall magically appeared adding a constant gush of bubbling, noisy, water to my once peaceful river.
I used to be really laid back. I used to be patient. I used to have hobbies. I used to have no trouble falling asleep at night. I used to always think the glass was half full, always. People used to tell me that my happiness was contagious. Now I feel like all I spread is misery. I used to feel like I was living. Now I feel like I am always transitioning.
But maybe that is life. Maybe that is living. Maybe there are times in life when the glass is half empty. And maybe, just maybe for a little bit of time, it is okay to feel that way. Maybe.
Earlier in the week, I had the chance to spend time with two women I had just met, one, a woman who lives in our neighborhood just a few houses away from us. The other, a friend of hers who was visiting with her that day. Our children played while we sat and talked. Within the two hours spent talking in her kitchen that day, we unabashedly opened up, sharing some of our deepest struggles. I listened to their emotional stories and truly felt their amazing faith and strength. Right then and there, I knew I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else that day but right there in that kitchen with those women. It wasn't chance that I had run into her while walking one day a short time ago. I do believe that people come in and out of one's life for specific reasons. And I do believe that God wanted us to meet. If nothing else, those two hours spent with those women, helped my river water to recede a bit that day. I look forward to the day (and hope it comes soon) when my river is calm once again, and it is me for a change who is able to help repair someone elses' overflowing dam.