My View

Every day over the past week I've woken up to more and more pain in my back. I have scoliosis, it's not too severe yet, but at times the pain can intensify...mostly when I try and push through it, ignoring the signs and wear myself out physically. So yesterday afternoon while my good friend next door watched Nate and Jules, I went to my room, climbed on my bed and laid there, pillows propped up high behind me.



It wasn't easy, I had to be forced in there actually. I suffer from this ridiculous and frustrating disorder of not being able to relax very easily. In fact, when I first went into my bedroom, I couldn't help but grab a pile of paperwork to sort through while I lie in bed. Pete came in shortly after, saw the pile on our bed and laughed at me. "Put it away," he practically demanded. "Lay down and close your eyes and try to go to sleep."

"But I can't I insisted! All I'll do is lie here and think about all of the things I could be doing with this precious time!"

"Then just lay there and do that," he said. "But close your eyes while you do, listen to the wind blowing outside, and just try and relax."



So I tried. I did. And for a little while I actually could keep the thoughts at bay. I stared out the window and watched the multi-colored leaves of Fall dancing on their branches. I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood kids yelling to one another while they played nearby. I heard countless acorns rickashaying from the branches, to the roof, to the gutters and then the ground. With the windows wide open, I tried to focus on how good it felt to smell the fresh air in my own bedroom, and feel the breeze sail around my surroundings. All of my senses were alive and it felt good, it really did. I actually began to feel myself relax. But the more I looked out those windows, the more I thought about how much I would miss that view, and soon enough my mind shifted toward the upcoming move- away from here. And all I wanted to do was cry, so I did.



And then all I wanted to do was write. At first I decided against coming here to do it because, well as you all know, I have said so many times over the past few months how tired of complaining, venting, feeling sorry for myself, etc...but this is my journal of sorts- this where I have to go when I need to do that. So here I am, I need to be honest, and no more apologizing for it.


Most of the time I am doing better, feeling better. I am trying my best to enjoy life for what it is, what I am given, what I make of it. But when I think of our short 19 days left here in our home, in this neighborhood, in this town, with these friends, I feel really sad again. Yesterday when I looked out of my windows toward the yard and driveway where my children play and at the walkway that welcomes friends to our door, all I could imagine is how hard it is going to be to drive away from all of it. Along with those thoughts once again, came frustration and anger at the situation of our having to move somewhere we don't necessarily want to to, but feel somewhat forced to because of too many factors to list here. This is where we chose to be. This is where we want our home.



I know this is all somewhat hypocritical to my last post, but I am human, and my feelings and opinions are subject to change. I'll get there again, to that positive, everything will be fine soon enough place.


So today as I reflect on my time yesterday afternoon and try to plan our day, I know I need to try really hard to allow for and make time for relaxation and rest. I am beginning to realize that unless I do this for myself I am no good to the others around me, and I am equally as inadequate in achieving any goals or happiness for myself. As I wrote before, life is too short to be unhappy or unappreciative, right? So even at 35 years old, I am still trying to figure out how to best find and achieve that happiness, that appreciation. Yesterday I discovered that a good place for me to start is allowing myself time to rest, time to reflect, and strangely, time to mourn. Despite my sadness, an intense appreciation for what I have experienced here in SC seeped into my thoughts and (gratefully) invaded my self pity filled moments.

Today, in addition to rest, I will also focus on re-aiming my thoughts toward appreciaition. Who knows what I'll find....