I have been struggling with whether or not to post here on and off over the last few months. It seems like most of the time all that comes out of me is a strong need to vent, complain, and scream how unfair life has been feeling lately.
So, most of the time I have stayed away, because really, who wants to read about about how someone elses' life seems so unfair (when it really could always be a lot worse) and all that crappy negativity over and over again?!
It bothers me so much that lately, when someone asks me how I am, my first response is usually to start venting about the latest "issues" with our selling the house, relocating, family, thesis, kid's school concerns, etc... etc...Recently, I was telling a friend about a time a few weeks ago when I was by myself and on the way to the grocery store. I had just had all kinds of crazy things happen that day and I picked up the phone to call someone to talk about it (vent). But when I went to dial a number, I thought, hum, I just vented to that person this morning, that person last night, that person yesterday, or, that person has way bigger problems than mine and doesn't need to hear me complain about all these stupid things! I put my phone down and kept my negative thoughts to myself for the rest of the day.
My mom has always used an analogy about each person having a river with a dam in their life. As life goes on and events unfold, sometimes things get overwhelmed or stressful and people's dams tend to overflow. It feels like for most of this past year, my dam has been twelve feet under water, and a giant waterfall magically appeared adding a constant gush of bubbling, noisy, water to my once peaceful river.
I used to be really laid back. I used to be patient. I used to have hobbies. I used to have no trouble falling asleep at night. I used to always think the glass was half full, always. People used to tell me that my happiness was contagious. Now I feel like all I spread is misery. I used to feel like I was living. Now I feel like I am always transitioning.
But maybe that is life. Maybe that is living. Maybe there are times in life when the glass is half empty. And maybe, just maybe for a little bit of time, it is okay to feel that way. Maybe.
Earlier in the week, I had the chance to spend time with two women I had just met, one, a woman who lives in our neighborhood just a few houses away from us. The other, a friend of hers who was visiting with her that day. Our children played while we sat and talked. Within the two hours spent talking in her kitchen that day, we unabashedly opened up, sharing some of our deepest struggles. I listened to their emotional stories and truly felt their amazing faith and strength. Right then and there, I knew I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else that day but right there in that kitchen with those women. It wasn't chance that I had run into her while walking one day a short time ago. I do believe that people come in and out of one's life for specific reasons. And I do believe that God wanted us to meet. If nothing else, those two hours spent with those women, helped my river water to recede a bit that day. I look forward to the day (and hope it comes soon) when my river is calm once again, and it is me for a change who is able to help repair someone elses' overflowing dam.
So, most of the time I have stayed away, because really, who wants to read about about how someone elses' life seems so unfair (when it really could always be a lot worse) and all that crappy negativity over and over again?!
It bothers me so much that lately, when someone asks me how I am, my first response is usually to start venting about the latest "issues" with our selling the house, relocating, family, thesis, kid's school concerns, etc... etc...Recently, I was telling a friend about a time a few weeks ago when I was by myself and on the way to the grocery store. I had just had all kinds of crazy things happen that day and I picked up the phone to call someone to talk about it (vent). But when I went to dial a number, I thought, hum, I just vented to that person this morning, that person last night, that person yesterday, or, that person has way bigger problems than mine and doesn't need to hear me complain about all these stupid things! I put my phone down and kept my negative thoughts to myself for the rest of the day.
My mom has always used an analogy about each person having a river with a dam in their life. As life goes on and events unfold, sometimes things get overwhelmed or stressful and people's dams tend to overflow. It feels like for most of this past year, my dam has been twelve feet under water, and a giant waterfall magically appeared adding a constant gush of bubbling, noisy, water to my once peaceful river.
I used to be really laid back. I used to be patient. I used to have hobbies. I used to have no trouble falling asleep at night. I used to always think the glass was half full, always. People used to tell me that my happiness was contagious. Now I feel like all I spread is misery. I used to feel like I was living. Now I feel like I am always transitioning.
But maybe that is life. Maybe that is living. Maybe there are times in life when the glass is half empty. And maybe, just maybe for a little bit of time, it is okay to feel that way. Maybe.
Earlier in the week, I had the chance to spend time with two women I had just met, one, a woman who lives in our neighborhood just a few houses away from us. The other, a friend of hers who was visiting with her that day. Our children played while we sat and talked. Within the two hours spent talking in her kitchen that day, we unabashedly opened up, sharing some of our deepest struggles. I listened to their emotional stories and truly felt their amazing faith and strength. Right then and there, I knew I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else that day but right there in that kitchen with those women. It wasn't chance that I had run into her while walking one day a short time ago. I do believe that people come in and out of one's life for specific reasons. And I do believe that God wanted us to meet. If nothing else, those two hours spent with those women, helped my river water to recede a bit that day. I look forward to the day (and hope it comes soon) when my river is calm once again, and it is me for a change who is able to help repair someone elses' overflowing dam.
3 comments:
Hey Kate! You have every right to vent--you have a lot going on right now. I'm so happy you connected with those two women. Life is full of these serendipitous moments. And like you believe you were meant to be with them that day, sharing and listening to each other's stories; there must be a reason that you are moving to AL, too. Maybe it's to touch someone else's life, maybe it's so they can touch yours, maybe it's a bit of both. There is a plan, we just don't always know what it is. Hang in there! But on days that you feel like you can't, remember that's ok, too (just don't stay there!)
What beautifully written sentiment. I hope it helps for you to write how you're feeling these days. I know you feel like you're venting a lot, but you have every right to vent, so don't feel like it's a burden to us. That's our job as family and friends! And we retain the right to vent back to you when we need it! ;-) Hang in there, OK?
kate,
i really needed to read that today. lately i feel like my dam has been destroyed and rather than vent i just retreat inside myself. beautiful post. you really helped me today.
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